Comments on: Can we keep our civil marriage a secret from our priest and then get married in the church? http://www.bustedhalo.com/questionbox/can-we-keep-our-civil-marriage-a-secret-from-our-priest-and-then-get-married-in-the-church/ an online magazine for spiritual seekers. Thu, 18 Mar 2010 04:07:49 -0400 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: marydhttp://www.bustedhalo.com/questionbox/can-we-keep-our-civil-marriage-a-secret-from-our-priest-and-then-get-married-in-the-church/#comment-7688 maryd Mon, 25 Jan 2010 00:16:27 +0000 http://www.bustedhalo.com/beta2008/wp/?p=563#comment-7688 several of my friends and a cousin have had their weddings and receptions about a year apart. you could have a small, church wedding (just the best man, maid of honor, the 2 of you, the priest, and God). now, you'll be married both civilly and sacramentally. when you're ready, send out invitations to your big bash. you might renew your vows at a ceremony on the grounds where the wedding reception is to be held. you'll probably enjoy the party more than a bride and groom do on their actual wedding day. MEANWHILE .... I caution you that if you think your families will see your wedding as something that should wait, give some thought and prayer to that. they may be right. several of my friends and a cousin have had their weddings and receptions about a year apart.
you could have a small, church wedding (just the best man, maid of honor, the 2 of you, the priest, and God). now, you’ll be married both civilly and sacramentally.
when you’re ready, send out invitations to your big bash. you might renew your vows at a ceremony on the grounds where the wedding reception is to be held. you’ll probably enjoy the party more than a bride and groom do on their actual wedding day.
MEANWHILE …. I caution you that if you think your families will see your wedding as something that should wait, give some thought and prayer to that. they may be right.

]]> By: cathyfhttp://www.bustedhalo.com/questionbox/can-we-keep-our-civil-marriage-a-secret-from-our-priest-and-then-get-married-in-the-church/#comment-6183 cathyf Tue, 29 Sep 2009 02:03:44 +0000 http://www.bustedhalo.com/beta2008/wp/?p=563#comment-6183 An interesting coincidence. 2-1/2 weeks ago, my neighbor's fiance got a job 1000 miles away. They decided that they could not afford to move separately without her having a job, too, and that they would not live together without being married. So they got married. Two hours ago, in fact. And they are leaving tomorrow morning in the rental truck, and he has to be at work on Monday. Everyone in their families is thrilled that these two put more stock in their moral beliefs than the wedding industry's norms of having an elaborate wedding with months/years of planning.My husband and I started dating right after he had accepted a 2-year fellowship in Europe. He left 6 months later. After a year, he came back and proposed, and we set our wedding date for a year later. He was on another continent until 5 weeks before the he wedding. So I feel your pain!But a big difference was that no one was shooting at my husband -- if, God forbid, anything happens to him, you want to be his next-of-kin, and as "just the girlfriend" you won't have that. A lot of this is about stepping up to the plate and being an adult. When you marry, you make a life-long commitment to carry these burdens for each other, and you get the legal, cultural and family support to carry out your promises. Keeping secrets deprives you of those structures. An interesting coincidence. 2-1/2 weeks ago, my neighbor’s fiance got a job 1000 miles away. They decided that they could not afford to move separately without her having a job, too, and that they would not live together without being married. So they got married. Two hours ago, in fact. And they are leaving tomorrow morning in the rental truck, and he has to be at work on Monday. Everyone in their families is thrilled that these two put more stock in their moral beliefs than the wedding industry’s norms of having an elaborate wedding with months/years of planning.

My husband and I started dating right after he had accepted a 2-year fellowship in Europe. He left 6 months later. After a year, he came back and proposed, and we set our wedding date for a year later. He was on another continent until 5 weeks before the he wedding. So I feel your pain!

But a big difference was that no one was shooting at my husband — if, God forbid, anything happens to him, you want to be his next-of-kin, and as “just the girlfriend” you won’t have that. A lot of this is about stepping up to the plate and being an adult. When you marry, you make a life-long commitment to carry these burdens for each other, and you get the legal, cultural and family support to carry out your promises. Keeping secrets deprives you of those structures.

]]> By: Carlenehttp://www.bustedhalo.com/questionbox/can-we-keep-our-civil-marriage-a-secret-from-our-priest-and-then-get-married-in-the-church/#comment-6180 Carlene Mon, 28 Sep 2009 05:43:55 +0000 http://www.bustedhalo.com/beta2008/wp/?p=563#comment-6180 Cathyf,I wish it were that easy. I would LOVE to include both of our families. I just know that both sides would feel we are rushing it and wouldn't be happy. We would get nothing but negativity. And I don't want that. I want to be happy with him and when we are husband and wife to only have positive thoughts. I don't want us to have to not only deal with our lives (military separation, etc) but also our parents being unhappy about our decision. I'm afraid I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. I'm wrong if I do and wrong if I don't. :/I'm not really sure what we should do. I feel like I have to choose between making mine and my fiance's lives a little easier but having the stress of dealing with unhappy parents - or making things difficult for me and my fiance so our parents aren't unhappy. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on the circumstances) both of us care deeply what our parents think and we hate disappointing them. Which is why we were thinking about keeping it a secret and then telling them a few years later, when it wouldn't matter anymore. I know it seems wrong, but I'm at a loss. Any suggestions??? :( Cathyf,

I wish it were that easy. I would LOVE to include both of our families. I just know that both sides would feel we are rushing it and wouldn’t be happy. We would get nothing but negativity. And I don’t want that. I want to be happy with him and when we are husband and wife to only have positive thoughts. I don’t want us to have to not only deal with our lives (military separation, etc) but also our parents being unhappy about our decision. I’m afraid I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. I’m wrong if I do and wrong if I don’t. :/

I’m not really sure what we should do. I feel like I have to choose between making mine and my fiance’s lives a little easier but having the stress of dealing with unhappy parents – or making things difficult for me and my fiance so our parents aren’t unhappy. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on the circumstances) both of us care deeply what our parents think and we hate disappointing them. Which is why we were thinking about keeping it a secret and then telling them a few years later, when it wouldn’t matter anymore. I know it seems wrong, but I’m at a loss. Any suggestions??? :(

]]> By: cathyfhttp://www.bustedhalo.com/questionbox/can-we-keep-our-civil-marriage-a-secret-from-our-priest-and-then-get-married-in-the-church/#comment-6157 cathyf Sat, 26 Sep 2009 03:40:22 +0000 http://www.bustedhalo.com/beta2008/wp/?p=563#comment-6157 In many countries the civil and religious weddings are completely separate ceremonies. (In England, for example, only an Anglican wedding is both religious and civil -- everyone else goes to the registrar's office first, and then to the church or other house of worship.)Carlene, I would recommend that you NOT keep this a secret from your families. Instead, make arrangements for a small private civil ceremony, and just have whomever of your closest friends and family can come. Then in 22 months have the big wedding and party. Trust me -- you'll hurt a lot of people's feelings if you exclude them from the fact that you are married.Everyone will understand -- you are dealing under special circumstances. And anyway, as my husband and I tell brides and grooms, it's about <i>being</i> married not <i>getting</i> married -- and being married is wonderful! In many countries the civil and religious weddings are completely separate ceremonies. (In England, for example, only an Anglican wedding is both religious and civil — everyone else goes to the registrar’s office first, and then to the church or other house of worship.)

Carlene, I would recommend that you NOT keep this a secret from your families. Instead, make arrangements for a small private civil ceremony, and just have whomever of your closest friends and family can come. Then in 22 months have the big wedding and party. Trust me — you’ll hurt a lot of people’s feelings if you exclude them from the fact that you are married.

Everyone will understand — you are dealing under special circumstances. And anyway, as my husband and I tell brides and grooms, it’s about being married not getting married — and being married is wonderful!

]]> By: Carlenehttp://www.bustedhalo.com/questionbox/can-we-keep-our-civil-marriage-a-secret-from-our-priest-and-then-get-married-in-the-church/#comment-6154 Carlene Fri, 25 Sep 2009 20:39:55 +0000 http://www.bustedhalo.com/beta2008/wp/?p=563#comment-6154 My question is similar to JJ's. My fiance is in the military and not being married is making life extremely difficult. It would be much easier if we were married. (Pre-deployment/access to base/health insurance/etc) We want to get married in the Catholic church and we want a big beautiful wedding. Yet, because of training and deployment, we can't have that wedding for another 22 months, which is fine. We know we love each other and we know we want to make our commitment known to God. During that time though, not being married is causing problems. We were thinking about getting a civil marriage certificate but we don't want anyone to know. If we go to a priest a year later would he be willing to perform the ceremony as he normally would, so our families won't know about the previous marriage certificate. We aren't concerned with the priest knowing the truth, just our families.Thank you My question is similar to JJ’s. My fiance is in the military and not being married is making life extremely difficult. It would be much easier if we were married. (Pre-deployment/access to base/health insurance/etc) We want to get married in the Catholic church and we want a big beautiful wedding. Yet, because of training and deployment, we can’t have that wedding for another 22 months, which is fine. We know we love each other and we know we want to make our commitment known to God. During that time though, not being married is causing problems. We were thinking about getting a civil marriage certificate but we don’t want anyone to know. If we go to a priest a year later would he be willing to perform the ceremony as he normally would, so our families won’t know about the previous marriage certificate. We aren’t concerned with the priest knowing the truth, just our families.

Thank you

]]> By: Mike Hayeshttp://www.bustedhalo.com/questionbox/can-we-keep-our-civil-marriage-a-secret-from-our-priest-and-then-get-married-in-the-church/#comment-3587 Mike Hayes Tue, 26 May 2009 14:59:57 +0000 http://www.bustedhalo.com/beta2008/wp/?p=563#comment-3587 JJ--I'm not sure what you are asking here about "exceptions" and military service. If you are asking if you can get married after a quickie civil ceremony because of a pre-deployment because of military services then the marriage can indeed be convalidated but only after going through the same marriage preparation course that everyone else goes through--especially if the marriage was entered into hastily.Please let us know what you are asking and we would be glad to help you. Thanks, MH JJ–

I’m not sure what you are asking here about “exceptions” and military service. If you are asking if you can get married after a quickie civil ceremony because of a pre-deployment because of military services then the marriage can indeed be convalidated but only after going through the same marriage preparation course that everyone else goes through–especially if the marriage was entered into hastily.

Please let us know what you are asking and we would be glad to help you. Thanks, MH

]]> By: jjhttp://www.bustedhalo.com/questionbox/can-we-keep-our-civil-marriage-a-secret-from-our-priest-and-then-get-married-in-the-church/#comment-3566 jj Tue, 26 May 2009 03:48:12 +0000 http://www.bustedhalo.com/beta2008/wp/?p=563#comment-3566 Anyone have any experience with exceptions such as a spouse's involvement in the military? Pre- deployment? Access to base? etc? Anyone have any experience with exceptions such as a spouse’s involvement in the military? Pre- deployment? Access to base? etc?

]]> By: UkrainianGirlshttp://www.bustedhalo.com/questionbox/can-we-keep-our-civil-marriage-a-secret-from-our-priest-and-then-get-married-in-the-church/#comment-2426 UkrainianGirls Thu, 09 Apr 2009 10:19:21 +0000 http://www.bustedhalo.com/beta2008/wp/?p=563#comment-2426 I think that it is a very interesting and amusing article. Practically all its main points are true. I think that it is a very interesting and amusing article. Practically all its main points are true.

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