leaf photo: ©2009 Phil Fox Rose

This is the last What Works column to run before Thanksgiving, so I want to talk to you about gratitude. I could write a dozen columns about gratitude in various forms; for this column, I’m going to focus on one simple tool: the gratitude list.

When you find yourself feeling particularly ungrateful about your life — or your spiritual director or friend points out to you that you are — you can stop and remind yourself of all the things for which you can be grateful.

There are some obvious things. You often hear people say, “at least I’ve got my health.” That might sound trite, but if you have ever experienced a serious loss of your own good health and then gotten it back, or if you or to someone close to you is deprived permanently of good health, you will know that good health is a great blessing. Another common item is family — partners, parents, children: whoever loves you unconditionally and gives you sustenance and support.

Not half full or half empty — just half full

Gratitude list items can also be seemingly trivial things — or at least things that might seem so to someone else. And many things can be seen as blessings or negatives. For example, I do not live with anyone else. I could focus on and feed feelings of loneliness. But I can also be grateful for the control I have over my environment and how easy it is to meditate and have silence when I want it. (Ask anyone with a big family about how precious that is!)

Writing a gratitude list

Writing a gratitude list doesn’t really require instructions or steps. I mean, basically: Take a clean sheet of paper or blank computer window, and write a list of things you are grateful for. That’s it. Many people do this when they catch themselves being particularly ungrateful. Some do it every morning. It can be an assignment from a sponsor in recovery, a spiritual director or a life coach.

But here are a few tips that may help you:

• If you feel blocked and don’t know where to start, try to just free-associate one. Don’t try to think of a good one. Just write the first thing that comes to mind. It might be silly, or you might not be sure about it. Just write it down. And that relates to the next tip…
• Do not censor yourself. Don’t think of something you’re grateful for and then say to yourself, “Oh, that’s silly” or, “That’s not a proper thing to put down a this list” or, “I shouldn’t be grateful for that.” If you’re grateful for something, put it on the list.
• And don’t put anything on your list that you don’t really mean. Don’t write “family” because you should write that. Only put something on the list if you feel it.
• Leave off explanations and rationalizations. This is just for you; you already know the backstory. So why are you writing it? Doing so suggests you feel like you need to justify the item, which suggests that either the inner censor is at play, or you put the item on your list because you felt like you should.

It’s important, even though this is a list, to not fall into thinking of it as a two-sided ledger. It’s not “I’m alone but at least I have peace and quiet.”  It’s, “I can have peace and quiet whenever I want in my home.”

It’s not about seeing our world’s cup as half full rather than half empty. Because the truth is everyone, and I mean everyone, has things they can be grateful for and things they can be ungrateful for. It’s about paying attention to the part that’s full. Who cares about what you don’t have? Seriously. Think about that for a moment.

Focusing on what we don’t have, on expectations of things that have not materialized for us, only leads to anxiety and self-pity. I’m not saying there is no place for wanting to create a more abundant life, but that’s not the way. Paradoxically — as are most great spiritual principles — it is by being content with what we have that we are open to seeing clearly what is around us, and seeing new opportunities.

Blessed are the poor in spirit

If you’ve ever been really close to someone who has a lot in the material realm, or if you are such a person, you already know that they experience as much or more trouble with gratitude as a materially poor person.

I’d even go so far as to say that, often, people with fewer material things are more grateful. First of all, they are more aware of how close they are to losing those things. And secondly, those with a lot of things probably are that way because they have been driven by more attachment to things in the past. And even if that’s not the case, the pull of those things is powerful.

The beatitude says, “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 5:3) because those who are poor are more easily focused on the spiritual, more naturally unattached, by the simple fact that they have fewer things to be attached to, fewer things pulling their attention away from God. This is why Jesus said it was nearly impossible for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

I’m not saying that if you are poor you should put that on the list. But, you know, you could. At least be grateful that you’ve been given the opportunity to see the true value of things more clearly.

Being truly thankful this Thanksgiving

This tool and others that encourage gratitude can be particularly helpful as we head into the holiday season. Because for those of us who feel short-changed at the moment on family love or God’s bounty, the very focus on thankfulness can quickly slip into feeling sorry for ourselves.

What can you be grateful for? Well, anything. There are absolutely no rules with a gratitude list. This is something you are doing for yourself. A gift to yourself. You can write down people, like family and loved ones, and facts, like good health. But also places, things, ideas, qualities, feelings — you name it, literally.

Doing a gratitude list can shift your perspective in an instant. So use this holiday not to reflect on how your Thanksgiving isn’t perfect, but rather as an opportunity to celebrate all that you have to be thankful for. If you need a little help with that, try doing a gratitude list. (And if you have a tradition at Thanksgiving dinner of going around and saying something you’re grateful for, think of this as prep work.)

Here’s a very partial list for myself. I am grateful for:

• God and the fact that I have been given some awareness
• my health
• my friends and loved ones
• my sobriety
• the opportunity I have to share God’s love with others one on one, and the exquisite gift of  occasionally seeing the light go on in another’s eyes
• whatever talent I have as a writer that perhaps lets me help a few people glimpse the love of God in their own life more clearly through my words
• the opportunity to write this column
• the insane overabundant beauty of nature, especially birds
• a place to get away to nature regularly
• a roof over my head and food on my table
• an inquisitive mind that is easily amused and delighted by the glory of creation
• my surrogate family, with whom I spend many holidays, including this upcoming Thanksgiving
• my love of music of almost all types, which entertains me and, often, brings me closer to God

Is the gratitude list a spiritual tool you already use? If not, give it a try. Share your experiences and thoughts about the gratitude list tool, gratitude in general and feeling grateful in the holiday season. You can comment below or email me at phil (AT) bustedhalo (DOT) com.