Introduction:

Thank you to everyone who shared their thoughts on our newest moral dilemma. After outlining the original dilemma and then adding a wrinkle to it later, we are now ready for an analysis of the dilemma from an expert in moral theology and ethics.

Need to get up to speed with the first part of the dilemma or “The Wrinkle?” Read the original dilemma and then read the wrinkle and vote/comment on one or both before reading our moral theologian’s analysis.

Acting Like an Adult

The moral dilemma of Megan with regard to her suitemate Elle, who is likely bulimic, did not draw a lot of controversy from respondents. Maybe because there is little “dilemma” involved here. Most comments agree that an eating disorder is a serious health issue, potentially life-threatening. Thus, solutions like “mind one’s own business” or “simply promise not to tell anyone” seem inadequate, immoral, and not a viable option to most readers. However, from the outset I was really glad to see that the author and readers all agree that Elle’s bulimia is not a moral question in itself, but a health issue, in some deep ways a mental health issue, but not a question of immorality, blame, or shame. Elle needs help, not judgment.

So, of the options suggested, most of you thought that Megan should “try to talk her into getting help” or, of the options-to-intervene, “tell the dorm’s residence director about her problem.” I heartily agree! Since Megan and Elle are college students, they are legally and technically adults. Adults ought to handle such issues as adults, not as children. Therefore, prior to the inclusion of “the wrinkle,” I would have shouted loudly, “Whatever you do, don’t go to Elle parents, especially not behind her back.”

But don’t her parents love her? Of course they do. But I think many college students today, especially those from ethnically-tight families, have a tendency not to cut the umbilical cord soon enough. No, I don’t think 18-22 years olds are fully mature. No, I don’t think nurturing family bonds is a bad thing. Rugged individualism has its problems too. But if I believe a peer adult friend of mine is having problems, I should first deal with him/her one-to-one as an adult. This is what Megan did by commiserating with Elle and encouraging her to seek help on her own. Then, and only then, if a person does not take action and if I think more professional intervention is needed, I would seek out competent professionals who would approach my friend as an adult-in-need. In 99 out of 100 cases I would not report the incident to his/her “Mom” or “Dad.”

Part of the Problem

Besides, with eating disorders, as with many mental illnesses of the young, past relationships with parents may be at the root of the problem in the first place. Voila, the wrinkle in this case! Elle’s mother Eliza – thin, wrinkle-free, immaculate – is undoubtedly “part of” the problem. Megan’s efforts to enlist her help, especially behind Elle’s back, was/is a recipe for disaster. Dysfunctional Mom and daughter rallied. Megan becomes “odd person out,” and is blamed rather than thanked for her intervention. If Megan were to add Elle’s Dad to the mix the mess would likely be even worse.

So, what to do once “the wrinkle” factor has been stirred in? Most responded that Megan should now “alert the residence director of Elle’s health issue.” I agree. I have a hunch that would have been the better first step, once Megan realized Elle was not responding to her encouragement to seek help on her own. Even after the home-visit fiasco, I think I would confide in the professionalism and wisdom of the dorm counselor.

The second favorite response was “stay in the suite and try to patch things up with Elle.” I also tend to agree with that. Adult friendships ought to be able to stand the test of time, strain, hurt, and misunderstanding. That doesn’t mean the rest of the semester will be bliss, but if the friendship is true and deep enough, it’s worth it—for Elle as well as Megan—to hang in there and work at it. One respondent added a helpful nuance: “How close are these girls? Are they new friends? Are they inseparable? The closer one is the more acceptable it seems to continue offering help.” Well said, I think.

The Lord Helps Those…

Someone else suggested that praying—for Elle, for Megan, for the whole mess—might be apropos. While true, there is an old saying which also rings true, “The Lord helps those who help themselves.” So, Megan is still stuck with the dilemma of making the right decision, even with prayer and her own good intention.

One BustedHalo reader summed it up quite well: “At the moment Elle does not trust her (Megan) anymore and neither do her parents. It’s no use apologizing for doing the right thing, as this would, wrongly, make Elle believe that her behavior is not that dangerous, and that Megan was not justified in being so worried. So, it is probably best that Megan warn someone from the outside who can help Elle. Elle may not want to see Megan anymore. So be it. Elle needs help for a serious medical problem and she is too ill to search for help (herself).” Trying to help friends in trouble is rarely neat and tidy, but it is always morally right to “try.” Deal with adult friends as adults, however, not as little children. Congrats to a thoughtful BustedHalo readership on this one!

Read the original dilemma.

Read “The Wrinkle“