Introduction: Thank you to everyone who shared their thoughts on our newest moral dilemma. After outlining the original dilemma and then adding a wrinkle to it later, we are now ready for an analysis of the dilemma from an expert in moral theology and ethics.

Like the Busted Halo readers, I am usually “in the dark” until a new moral dilemma and the later wrinkle are published on-line. I think the career vis-à-vis marriage dilemma of Vincent and Erin is particularly realistic. Most often we think of moral dilemmas as controversies involving such major issues as life & death, truthtelling vs. lies, questionable business ethics, sexual predicaments, and the like. But here we have the very real, everyday situation of a married couple with an encroaching professional career. Can we have it all? If not, what gives? Who gives? And even more basic, how do we go about making a good decision?

The precipitating incident—Daddy not being home (again) to sing Michael a lullaby—is largely symbolic, the proverbial “straw that breaks the camel’s back.” Erin says, “We need to talk,” but what follows initially is hardly a lovers’ chat or even a good lovers’ quarrel. She says, “I don’t think I can do this anymore. Your career is killing our marriage and family…Unless we make some changes this isn’t going to work.” And he rebuts, “Well that’s fine for you to say, but you seem to have no problem spending the money my career is bringing in.” And the curtain goes down on Act I of this currently-dysfunctional marriage!

Wrinkled Wisdom

Thank God for “the wrinkle,” Act II, in which Vincent has the wisdom to sleep in the guest room and re-approach Erin again in the morning, coffee and an initial apology in hand. But this is not unusual when and if too much time has passed without either party raising the issues that are building between them. This moral dilemma is about COMMUNICATION, far more than it is about the job, money, lifestyle, or time allotments. Some couples talk things out as soon as an argument starts, the proverbial “don’t let the sun go down on your anger.” But for others, there needs to be some distance and quiet time to allow tempers to cool and God’s wisdom to seep in. Apparently Erin and Vincent are this latter model.

Their morning conversation is a good one. Each one listens as well as speaks their mind. It’s a shame it has taken this long for things to come to a boil and spill over. Along the way, Erin should have raised her concerns about Vincent’s work habits, time constraints, personal tensions, the children’s needs, etc. These need not have been in an accusatory way, but in mutual care—what’s happening to our marriage, our family life, your participation in this thing called ‘we’? At the same time, Vincent seems to have been sitting on some resentment of his own, about their financial lifestyle, the cost of living in suburbia, expensive school enrollments, etc. Again, it’s not a question of her expenses or her extravagant tastes, but of our homelife, our choice of house, schools, and lifestyle.

The Power of We

Marriage is a ‘we’ commitment, a family commitment, not two individuals negotiating a contract. There are (or ought to be) no prenuptial agreements, no 50-50 plans, no if/then clauses. We’re in this thing together, for life, till death do us part. Every major decision is our decision. What do we want to do? How do we want to handle this dilemma? Congrats to the majority of respondents who caught this from the outset. The fundamental moral question within any marriage centers around the couples’ ability to communicate. We each have a moral obligation to move from a “me-centered” outlook on life to a “we-centered” one. It seems as if Erin and Vincent could use a little practice at this. Their morning make-up conversation seems like a good start in that direction.

Alas, Lawyer Don, the boss, is not the grandfatherly mentor that they’d hoped he might be. His own marriage suffered on the back-burner and it appears that is exactly what he expects from Vincent now, and into the future. Fewer office hours for Vincent with more quality family time don’t seem as achievable as the couple had hoped prior to the fateful boss/employee luncheon talk. What are their mutual options now?

Several respondents felt that the “options” listed were too few. One person wrote, “Starting his own firm isn’t the only alternative—a smaller firm would have more reasonable hours and the pay cut not as drastic.” It seems to me that this couple has options concerning lifestyle—home size, location, school options, car and other expense levels. Cutting in one area may not mean cutting across the board. In terms of jobs and careers, they might decide to tough-it-out with the present firm for the short run. Or, try a different or a smaller firm. Or the riskier option of venturing out on his own. Whether Erin should or shouldn’t go back to work and whether it should be full- or part-time are also discussable. How much and what type of family time is needed for Michael and Marion is also negotiable. What do WE want for ourselves – together, individually, and with our children?

Gore-y Options

Bravo to the majority of respondents who saw that no single option is the right moral choice. In marital relationships as in most human relationships, one size does not fit all. What is needed from the outset is a mutual view of marriage and family in terms of jobs, children, lifestyle, locale, upward mobility, and essentials vs. optional desires. This present dilemma becomes far more complex IF Vincent were to love his 16-18 hour work days, relish the power, prestige, and busyness, not wanting to alter his time commitments. Or, if Erin were to demand an upper-middle-class lifestyle, her stay-at-home Mom status, and be unwilling to bend. But so far I don’t hear either of them being inflexible. Currently they each seem a bit blind or myopic as to their partner’s wishes and needs. But it sounds like they still have the ability and tools for healthier communication. Several respondents suggested that professional counseling services are available in every community to help couples work through such communication roadblocks. One respondent made a point of suggesting a little quiet prayer time too, allowing God some room to enter and influence each of their hearts.

Ironically, or maybe providentially, during the time this marriage dilemma has been posted on BustedHalo I have been listening to a recorded book in my car, Joined at the Heart: The Transformation of the American Family by Al and Tipper Gore (Holt, 2002). Skirting all partisan politics or even the merits of Al Gore winning the Nobel Peace Prize, this is an excellent read (or listen)! The Gores did their homework. The volume draws on excellent studies, statistics, and personal stories from a variety of couples and families – all with a focus on good communication and mutual commitment. I recommend it highly.

I think Vincent, Erin, Marion, and Michael will work this thing through together. Good communication and a sense of “we being in this thing together” are the moral keys in this case. Kudos to the readers and respondents for catching this need upfront! Options abound for Vincent & Erin.

Need to get up to speed with the first part of the dilemma or “The Wrinkle?” Read the original dilemma and then read the wrinkle and vote/comment on one or both before reading our moral theologian’s analysis.