Introduction:

Thank you for the great response to BustedHalo’s second moral dilemma “The Best Friend and the Bridesmaid.” Judging from the number of people who have read and responded to our first two dilemmas, it appears that our newest feature has clearly struck a nerve with readers.

After outlining the original dilemma and then adding a twist to it later we are now ready to hear an analysis of the dilemma from an expert in moral theology and ethics.

“Need to get up to speed with the first part of the dilemma or “The Wrinkle?” Read the original dilemma and then read the wrinkle and vote/comment on one or both before reading our moral theologian’s analysis.”

THE FINAL ANALYSIS

Beth and Michelle have been longstanding best friends. Beth has fallen in love with and plans to marry Thomas. Largely from what Michelle has heard but not necessarily seen, she has determined that Thomas is an abuser, the marriage is a mistake, and her only moral recourse is to decline to be the maid-of-honor in her best friend’s wedding. Now there’s a soap opera of sorts, straight out of “Days of Our Lives” or “One Life to Live.” And yet, as the introduction to the dilemma notes up front, a lot of our ethical questions are in the personal realm, like this one, not necessarily earth-shattering or life-threatening. These are real life issues. So, here’s my two cents of moral reflection on this one:

Quiz Show

In the initial quiz, as well as in the second quiz post-discovery-of-the-wrinkle-factor, I would opt for the final response, “None of these sound right to me?” The issue seems to me to be far less about whether Michelle ought to wear a fancy dress and serve as maid-of-honor, and more about how to share her genuine concerns with her best friend Beth. So, option #1 (saying nothing and agreeing to be maid-of-honor) seems to be shortchanging her friend of some wise counsel. Option #2 (risk the loss of a friend by saying you can’t in good conscience stand up for her in a public ceremony) seems to me to be similarly misguided on the wedding ceremony. The same is true of option #3 (agreeing to attend the wedding, but not as bridesmaid). Trying to talk her out of it (option #4) is somewhat closer to my own vantage point. But certainly not the more abrupt option #5 (telling her bluntly you will not attend).

My primary concern and focus would lay with my best friend Beth’s questionable life-partner choice, her happiness, and future well being. Whether to be in her wedding ceremony is secondary, I think, and largely incidental. First of all, do I really know enough about Thomas to make such a broad, bold, and definitive judgment that he is “an abuser?” It seems to me that I owe it to my friend to have gotten to know her beau better along the way, or at least to try to get to know him better now.

Benefit of the Doubt

Did I actually witness the comments about Beth’s weight, the incident with the refrigerator, and especially the “push” at the theater OR merely hear them from Beth? If the latter, I think I may owe Thomas a little more benefit of the doubt. If the former, I am on firmer ground in my critical concerns. However, only the “pushing incident” bears the marks of a potential abuser and I’m not sure one isolated incident is enough to cause me to make such a definitive, harsh judgment. The other incidents bespeak rudeness, insensitivity, and a lack of social graces. While these are surely sad in a love relationship, they are correctible and matters for the couple to discuss and work on between themselves.

So, I would be tempted NOT to say “yea” or “nay” to the wedding invitation at this point. I would rather seek to meet with my friend to share her engagement joy and to have a heart-to-heart talk about my concerns and qualms about her life-partner choice. I would tiptoe into this critique gently, using what I sometimes call the “Jimmy Stewart” method of being prophetic. The late, great actor Jimmy Stewart had a habit of stuttering and stammering a bit whenever he had to present a touchy subject. His hesitation and self-deprecating manner helped him to critique someone caringly, gently, somewhat tentatively. A few “maybes,” “it seems to me sometimes . . . ,” and “I’m just wondering if . . . ” might help this to be a more fruitful friend-to-friend inquiry. Perhaps the wrinkle (Beth’s admission that she may have overstated Thomas’ bluntness for dramatic effect) would emerge sooner and Michelle could thereby try to discern if this is true or if Beth is now backpedaling and covering up (potential signs of “an enabler”).

Who, What, How?

Who Thomas really is? What his and Beth’s relational quality and depth are? How can I help, as a longstanding friend, would be my central concerns. Too quick an assessment or too abrupt a departure from the scene seems to me not to be warranted at this point.

Finally, in terms of the wedding and the maid-of-honor thing, I don’t see the role of a maid-of-honor as somehow “a matter of good conscience.” The two official witnesses at a wedding merely attest that they saw it happen, that the couple really did exchange the rings and the “I do” vows. It is not a personal in-depth seal of approval on the couple’s chances for a happy life together. If it were so, many a priest and minister would have to bow out of a lot of weddings. Catholic couples have a right to the sacrament. Citizen couples have a right to the government’s sanction and legal protection. While a good pastor, judge or court official helps to prepare a couple for marriage, it is not their role to raise or lower their thumb to doing the wedding like some emperor. Ministers, like the bridal party, are witnesses, not judge and jury.

My Mother the Moral Theologian

Years ago my mother, now 90, made a pastoral decision about whether to attend the weddings of her friends’ children, who opted to marry outside-the-Church or to enter second marriages after divorce sans church annulments. She decided it this way – my friends can’t and shouldn’t disown their children and I should be there to support my friends. My presence says “I love you,” not that I approve of every decision made vis-à-vis this wedding and marriage. Way to go, Mom! I have a young lady named Michelle, whom I’d like you to have a little chat with.

Friend-to-friend advice, not posturing, seems called for in this case . . . as in most personal moral dilemmas.

Read the original dilemma.
Read the second step in the dilemma.