Comments on: So I Married a Heathen

By: Kathryn Stewart

Kathryn Stewart — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 23:48:07 +0000

I think it’s important to understand the belief systems of “Christians” vs “Humanists”. There was a whole movement in early American colonization which included renoun artists, writers, philantropists, etc. incl: Thoreau, Longfellow, Emerson, to name a few, who lived caring, philantropic lives but didn’t give a hoot about God. They were known as existentialists, and they believed in doing good for the sake of itself. I married one of these “good” people, and I have been happily married to this man for 32 years. I am a devout Catholic. It has not been all happy. It has been a struggle to raise 3 children with a solid faith life. If I had to do it over again, I don’t know what I would do. I just know I love my God and I love my husband. I let God figure out what to make of his disbelief.

By: Maria

Maria — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 20:16:33 +0000

You know you can be christian without being Christian or Jewish or Muslim. Kind of like catholic with a small c being universal and Catholic with a capital c meaning the religion. But I married a heathen, we got married in my parent’s church in NY by a priest. He then joined the Church and was baptized while I was pregnant with our first child. Like Deacon Tom says, invite him to Mass with you but let him say no without losing face. My husband and I found that often when we taught baptism classes to mixed couples and to Catholic couples.

Just keep praying and answering questions if they come up.

By: Katrina

Katrina — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 19:24:06 +0000

I grew up with a ‘heathen’ father and a Catholic mother. They agreed to raise me in the faith, complete with Catholic school, but my father did not want to be converted. She respected him, and he respected her. After an awful health scare, he decided to join the Church. He says it’s because coming so close to death ’scared the Jesus into him’, and that he wanted to do right by my mom after all she put up with. Who knows what the truth is? I hope it doesn’t take a health scare like my dad’s, but what you say in your youth isn’t binding. Whatever you do, don’t force the issue. My mom was smart enough to let him come into the faith on his own.

By: Terry

Terry — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 14:59:56 +0000

The article is fine, but there is no such thing as an “anonymous Christian.” Being a good person isn’t being an anonymous christian. You can’t be Christian unless you recognize Christ as the Savior and your actions reflect his love. Being a nice person isn’t enough.

I feel there is such a sense of relativism in this article and that is a little disconcerting. Our job as a spouse is to help get our partner to heaven. Not to make excuses for them. What I am referring to is the sense of, “well at least he isn’t as bad as these people who claim to be Christian but aren’t good people”

One has nothing to do with the other. Pray for your husbands conversion. Thank God that he is a nice guy, but don’t be fooled into the “anonymous Christian” business.

By: ConcordPastor

ConcordPastor — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 01:11:43 +0000

It disturbs me that the priest gave the impression that on account of the groom not being baptized he, the priest, could witness the wedding but that for some reason, a deacon could. There is nothing about this marriage that precludes a priest witnessing it for the Church. In addition, this priest gave the impression that deacons witness weddings of some presumed lesser quality – and that is not so. This priest was wrong in his response.

By: Emily

Emily — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 23:52:18 +0000

Dear Sara -

You say that your husband “is wickedly funny, always there to lend a hand when anybody needs it, he’s sweet and compassionate and very generous,” then conclude that though he technically isn’t Christian, he’s one in practice. My question to you is when did those wonderful traits of your husband get to be solely Christian ones? There are Jews, Hindus, Muslims—and nonbelievers like your husband—who possess those qualities; why do you need to unofficially “label” him Christian?

By: Karen

Karen — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 16:43:41 +0000

Dear Sara:
Your article could have been written about me about 25 years ago! I was married almost 24 years ago in a Catholic church (by a priest) to a man who had never been baptized (and still hasn’t). Although we live in the northeast, much of the rest of your story mirrors mine.
Before we got married we decided to raise any children we would have in the Catholic faith and we now have 2 teenage boys who have been raised Catholic, receiving all of the sacraments. Through all of these years my husband has only attended church at weddings, funerals, Christmas and Easter. I will admit that it’s been difficult for me to shoulder the responsibility of our children’s religious upbringing by myself. My husband has not in any way tried to counter our children’s Catholic upbringing, but at the same time he’s not there to help with it either.
Although my husband has never been baptized or regularly attended any church, he does hold Christian values. I really like your term “anonymous christian” and I think it fits my husband as well. He is very interested in the Bible and learning about Christianity, but I think because he never had the opportunity to go to church as a child he just doesn’t know how to start now – despite being married to a practicing Catholic for all these years. I think he’ll figure it out one of these days and I pray that he will someday convert to the Catholic church because it is something I would love to share with him. But it is up to the Holy Spirit, not to me.
On the other hand, our marriage has been solid for over 24 years which sadly, is longer than many Catholic to Catholic marriages. So although I think if we had both been Catholic for our entire marriage it would have made some things better/easier, we have had a wonderful life together just the way we are.

God Bless

By: Tappy

Tappy — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 13:31:47 +0000

One of the reason the mega-churches are thriving is that people are taught biblically how to live successful spiritual lives in today’s culture. I’m a devout Catholic who “defected” then came back. (I was raised Catholic.” The word churches have such good solid teachings on the biblical principle about not being yoked with an unbeliever. I’m 46, married to a Catholic and in the middle of raising two teenage girls. In my humble opinion and based on 19 years of marriage — if you are Catholic, marry a Catholic — the more devout, the better. This is my urgent prayer to God for my own children.

By: southokid

southokid — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 23:10:20 +0000

I was raised in a household described by the author. Not an issue. I grew up knowing good people come in all shapes, sizes, colors and belief systems. Because of this, I am a better Catholic. Use it as a great tool to educate your children (and yourself).

By: anjie_LD

anjie_LD — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 03:04:38 +0000

This article was very reassuring for me. I have been dating an atheist for almost 2 1/2 years. I’m a born and bred Catholic so I’m sure I’ve been raising some eyebrows. I totally agree with the idea that someone can live a life of Christian values without being a Christian. I also believe that we are called to love them and hope for the salvation of all. I consider myself very lucky that I’ve had a solid Catholic upbringing and the gift of faith. Do we turn our back on those have not had such luxury?

As far as raising kids, only God knows what’s in store. Of course there’s going to complication and carrying the weight of being a ’single’ Catholic parent. I tend to believe that if we have a family, they will get the experience of knowing what it is like to love and respect the members Church, as well as non-believers.

Maybe its all liberal hippie talk, but I love my boyfriend and I support those willing to reach out to someone who is a non-believer and not close the door to what can be a rich and fulfilling life.

By: Deacon Tom

Deacon Tom — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 16:15:37 +0000

Dear Sara:

Peace!

First, the priest who “delegated” the responsibility for assisting at your wedding missed a golden opportunity to make our church a place of welcome. I hope that my brother deacon picked up the slack…

Second, as a guy who’s been married 43 years (She’s a living saint for putting up with me…) I would suggest that when you want to go to Mass, invite your beloved to come, giving him permission at the same time to say “no” without him “losing face” as it were, and without you losing an argument. As you observed in your initial article, this guy is an anonymous Christian, and some day he may “come out of the closet” – If you need a story from scripture about “anonymous christians as friends of Jesus, there are several: For instance Jesus says “Not everyone who says ‘Lord Lord’ will enter the kingdom heaven, Only those who do the will of my father.” Score one for your guy, who helps people out. Then there’s the story of the Good Samaritan. Score 2 for your guy. Then there’s the story of the … You get the picture.

Third point, directed at the person who chose the graphic for this story: Why depict an unbaptized person as one who looks like a cartoon devil in flames? In my experience, heathens as a group are far more likely to be “get ‘er done” Christians than are many of our baptized brothers and sisters.

Regards,

Deacon Tom (Diocese of Lansing)