M.E. and Me
Memories of my Marriage Encounter childhood
Growing up, I was mortified by my parents’ public displays of religion. I’m still convinced that from the years of 1982 to 1986 my parents were part of a cult; others called it “Marriage Encounter.”
One fateful Friday afternoon in 1980, they packed one suitcase and prepared to leave for the first of many retreat weekends; weekends that would become the bane of my existence; weekends that would become the main reason I fled to therapy at the ripe age of ten.
“We’re not getting divorced,” they asserted repeatedly, often in unison, when I questioned their decision to join such a mysterious organization. Of course, deep down I suspected that was the reason they were going. “What are you hoping to encounter?” I asked sarcastically.
“Marriage Encounter helps turn a good marriage into a great one,” they’d say chipperly, having memorized the tagline of the brochure, which featured the M.E. symbol — a heart above two intertwined circles united by a crucifix. Even though I was in fifth grade, I remember the Sunday evening that they arrived home in our purple Plymouth as if it was yesterday — it changed my childhood from a semblance of normalcy to something otherworldly. My parents pledged their full allegiance to the United States of Marriage Encounter and all of the rites and rituals that came with it. The burden of my adolescence was simple: I was mortified by my parent’s public display of religion.
Marriage Encounter stickers soon made their insidious way into our home. I considered them an infestation as my parents placed them everywhere — on the refrigerator; in the back windshield of the Plymouth, replacing the triple-A sticker à la “Who needs a tow truck when you have the Lord?”; even on the outside of the front door of our house. Whenever any of my friend’s parents drove me home from school and were curious as to what the sticker represented, I would lie and say “It’s for UNICEF; just ignore it.”
In 1982, I turned ten and asked for Michael Jackson’s Thriller album for my birthday; I got Godspell.
What fresh hell is this?
Just when I thought things couldn’t get worse, they inevitably did. That year, our home became the holy headquarters when my parents were elected “team leaders” of the upstate New York chapter of Marriage Encounter. “What fresh hell is this?” I remember asking at the age of eleven when I arrived home from softball practice one spring evening to our living room, full of hand-holding strangers and reeking of Sanka and polyester.
I remember looking around the transformed living room — a sea of strangers smiling at me — hoping my scowl of scorn would fend off a group hug. (It didn’t.) I met the cast of characters who would shape my adolescence.
Father Al: a gregarious Italian priest who had dinner at our house at least twice a week — my Mom and Dad now went everywhere with him. (This would become my personal definition of a threesome: two parents and a priest.)
Tony and Joan: the coolest of the bunch, in that Joan wore tight jeans and Tony swore and smoked cigarettes — certainly not typical of holy rollers.
Frank and “Chickie”: I never knew Chickie’s real name, though I suspected it was probably Mary Frances, Mary Ellen, or Mary Elizabeth. They were the oldest of the group, attended daily mass, and had eight children. Frank said “I love you” each time I saw him.
Ray and Theresa: to me they looked more like twins than a married couple, as they both had crooked teeth and stood no more than 5′2″. Even though Ray gave me money for ice cream or school supplies at each and every meeting, I still had no problem in making fun of his belt buckle, a gold carving of the Marriage Encounter symbol that dutifully held up his pants. “Why don’t we all just go downtown and get the Marriage Encounter logo tattooed on our foreheads?” I asked the group at the beginning of the second meeting. Everyone laughed, except my parents. (I was grounded for a month.)
Hugh and Anne: their daughter Maggie became my idol after I stayed with them one weekend, and Maggie and I were allowed to stay up and watch both The Love Boat and Three’s Company, television shows that were forbidden at home.
Henry and Nancy: soft-spoken and intellectual; Henry was a chemist, Nancy a social worker. Because they didn’t have children of their own, they faithfully attended my brothers’ and my sports games, plays, concerts, communions and confirmations for the next two decades.
Yet it wasn’t just the weekly meetings at our house or the many weekends my parents spent traveling around the country, like Deadheads on tour, to attend retreats; it was the lack of what I considered a normal life. I dreaded going to “Charismatic Mass.” It was held once a month and was always longer than forty-five minutes. It featured the polyester parade replete with microphones and guitars, a veritable Catholic Woodstock, minus the sex and drugs. I begged to sit in the back pew by myself, preferably with a paper bag over my head.
They always ended with the couples standing in a circle on the altar, singing the Marriage Encounter song, a heinous spectacle for my twelve-year-old eyes to behold:
“There’s a new world somewhere, it’s called the Promised Land
And I’ll be there someday, if you would hold my hand
But if I should lose your love dear, I don’t know what I’d do
For I know I’d never find, another you…”
The group would substitute the final word of the last line to a resounding “US!” loud enough that it was probably heard in Bangladesh.
I remember scrutinizing the brochure that was stuck on the front of our refrigerator, via a ME sticker. I was grounded (again) after crossing out the answers to the frequently asked questions for new members and substituting in my own. The brochure listed questions such as:
- “Is there any age limit?” (No, couples as old as Yoda are invited to attend.)
- “Is Marriage Encounter for all faiths?” (No, only those who foolishly collect stickers.)
- “What does a weekend cost?” (Only your dignity!)
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This is an absolutely beautiful story. Thanks.
A funny and touching essay. Excellent!
I’m not the Father Al of this wonderful story, but a Father Al who was involved in many M.E. Encounters and this story just brought alive all the wonderful experienes of my life. Thank you! And, oh, I LOVE YOU! Father Al – Boston, MA
Dear Fr. Al,
You made my day! Thank you for reading my article, and I love you too :)
CJM
What a wonderful article!! Thank you for sharing such a beautiful and *loving* story. God love you! :)
Wonderful story Carolyn. I also live in upstate NY and it’s nice to see such a strong Catholic from this area writing about her experiences. Thanks for sharing! :)
Caroline, that was beautiful. Keep writing. You have a gift. I remember our marriage encounter that your parents took us to. It was scary but I remember at the end of the weekend how close to Tully and God I felt. Very rewarding. Love Ya.l
When I read the first page, I immediately ran upstairs and made our daughter promise if she ever wrote an article about being an M.E. Kid, to be nice to us… after finishing it, I was bawling my eyes out, praying she’d someday honor us you honored your parents!
Great article. Sounds very familiar as I too grew up in an ME family. I remember those large group gatherings with everyone hugging. I also remember the huge ME support that my family received years later when my brother died. They really did love and care for all of us. My husband and I are now blessed to currently be a member of the ME family. Now our children will get to grow up in this community. It hasn’t changed much. The love for eachother is still present and forthcoming. Thank you for this beautiful article.
Oh my goodness! My husband grew up in a ME family. His parents were pretty much pioneers who then brought EE to the West Coast. Your parents and my in-laws probably know each other! Even though I came into the family later on this story had me laughing out loud and then crying. I will pass this on to my husband and his sibs immediately following this comment. They are going to love it! I felt like I was sitting around with my in-laws reminicising about the old days!
Thanks for the wonderful story. It brought back many memories to us and our children.
This was Priceless. Touching and Funny. My parents were Team leaders for NY as well, and made their first weekend before i was born, so i grew up in the M.E. Environment, and while my reactions to the weirdness were somewhat different, I can definitely relate. Thank you so much!
Carolyn, thanks for the beautifully written story of your life as an M.E. kid. We were touched as we read it and can just imagine that our kids probably thought some of the very same things. God Bless, and we love you. : )
Great writer-very witty -you made me lrye (laugh and cry) -God blesed you with many gifts –the greatest —weird parents!!! I gotem to!
Great story – could just see everyone as she described them. The growth as an adult really made the story. Having grown up with “the Pope” and “Mother Superior”, our affectionate names for our parents, Carolyn made me appreciate that childhood even more. Great job
Another wonderful story Carolyn…keep up the great work
You are a genius! My childhood sounds strangely identical. We even had God loves you! rainbow bookmarks in every liturgical book in the house. Very heartfelt… and hilarious!
It’s so easy to ready Carolyn’s articles- they speak to me! She can take ordinary words and make them a window through which you can ’see’ the experience about which she writes. Bravo!
You have such a way with your words…it is definitely God’s gift to you. I felt like I was in the room the whole time. And your conclusion was a gift to me…
What a GREAT, well-written, funny and poignant article. I wish my marriage was like that.
Well told, Carolyn! Very recognizable. Keep up the writing.
This is beautifully written, Carolyn. Your writing brings to light the conflicts of growing up with religious parents and the misunderstandings that may arise because of it. Also, the comical and witty delivery of your experiences are both touching and honest. Thank you for sharing this!
AWESOME story. What a sarcastic pre-teen you were, Carolyn!
I loved how you captured the beautiful memories and finally realized that your ‘proverbial cross’ was revealed as such a wonderful blessing to you. Hopefully it will lead us all to see such graces in our memories. Thanks Carolyn and give us MORE!
Fabulous story. You are very fortunate to come to the realization that your (embarrassing) family was a blessing.
LOVE this writer! This story was thought-provoking, intelligent and LOLOTS (Laugh Out Loud On The Subway)!
Great article! I, too, am a M.E. kid! and from upstate NY…Buffalo area…wonder if these are the same people who sat in my living room. Thanks for allowing me to relive these memories. And I can still remember singing….”There’s a new world somewhere…” Thanks again…
yep. i feel your pain.
I hope our kids will write like this about us one day! And they do call ME a cult! LOL
Once again, your story-telling and writing has taken me through a variety of emotions and have given me a chance to realize we all come from interesting families! I love knowing that your sarcasm and distrust of “the man” started way before we crossed paths! Keep up the wonderful writing!
Beautifully written and moving.
Thanks for a glimpse into your ME childhood. We are also torturing our children with ME couples. They also claim it is a cult. We have our gang sign, song and secret meetings. But their best friends are all ME kids! We love you!
Garry & Arla
Wow! Did this ever take me back! I’m sure that we persecuted our kids as much as Carolyn’s parents did to her. However, that weekend in June, 1974 changed our lives forever and I’ll not apologize or feel guilty. Two years later at separate Cursillo weekends, my husband and I both experienced our adult conversions and life has never been the same. When God touches you, there’s no saying what might happen. And now, 35 years later, we are still walking (perhaps a little more slowly) with the Lord and for 26 of those years with others in a covenanted charismatic community. Never any regrets! Never turning back! Wouldn’t change a thing. I thank God for Marriage Encounter and what it has wrought in our lives.
Because of Marriage Encounter, seven years after our marriage, I finally learned what “love” is. If you don’t know what it is, how can you fix it when it goes wrong? And it WILL go wrong! Keep it up Carolyn because … the love in your heart wasn’t put there to stay, for love, isn’t love, until you give it away! May God bless you and yours.
We are so grateful to have gone on a Marriage Encounter Weekend. This is our Family :)
So, I was forwarded to read this article by a very close family friend as there was mention of “Frank & Chickie”. Well, I happen to know “Frank & Chickie” personally as they are my parents! Frank still tells everyone he loves them & your guessing at Chickie’s real name, wasn’t any that you mentioned! Anyway, thanks for the great article. I will be passing it on to my siblings for their reading pleasure & review.
I an another of Frank and chickie’s children. Thanks Carolyn, it brings back many of the memories. By the way, Frank is not quite 80.
Dear one, know that you are loved and missed.Give our love to Dad and your brothers.Please get in touch with us.We read your story with tears of joy. Thank you for being the total gift that you are to so many.Mom is so proud as well. Yes I love you. Much peace and joy, Frank and Chickie
G’mon, people, WHAT’S CHICKIE’S REAL NAME?!?!?!? *grin*
My beloved spouse, Chickie, was Baptised and given the name Catherine.Peace,Frank..
well-told,accurate,funny and serious- WWME has moved and affected so many and our larger family is one we treasure!
As team leaders for several years in upstate NY, we identified with everything written. We remember Tony & Joan & Fr. Al well. Those were memorable years for us, thanks for the memories.
Our kids also grew up as children “of the movement” in both germany and the U.S. They learned to express feelings and ‘fight fair’ and be embarrassed by the public displays of affection that their parents shared. You eloquently shared the gift of love that your parents gave to you. We hope that it will be the same with our kids.
I smiled; I laughed; I cried. Thank you.
There’s a New World Somewhere” how many
meetings and prayer groups did we sing that song, the laughter, the sharing, the
weekend planning, the phone calls, busy,
crazy busy at times, Fr. Chuck and Fr. Harry, Bro. Ben and Fr. Jack, I have to
admit I miss those times and HDIF dialog.
Thank you so much for that beautiful sharing Carolyn and thank you Kevin and Winnie for forwarding this to Judy and Al, I love you and God Bless
What a story. I found out about from your dad. I am now a seminarian with him here at Blessed John XXIII. I am from ND but when we were in ME it was when we lived in Kansas. Our kids grew up in a home just like you. We had a 3ft x 3ft ME sign hanging in our living room. We were the first executive couple for the Dioceses of Salina Ks. It was the most wonderful time in our lives. Our kids now in their 40’s still talk about it with great affection. I have sent the article to them. We believed we could chance the world… and we did. On our headstone will be the ME motto.. Love one another. And next to it will be .. We did.
Keep Writing!
Patrick Cunningham
I am one of the kids from the above posted guy. (hi Dad, study hard) Loved the artical!!
Along with our 3ft ME sign in the livingroom, we also had pesonalized M.E. plates on our big green van. My parents had bright yellow shirts with the ME sign and “We are Lovers” on the front and “Pat loves Judy” and “Judy loves Pat” on the back that they wore. I have also never known them to leave in the car without giving the three car horn honk.
(the one ringers did drive me nuts. To this day I do not get up to answer the phone till it rings twice!!)
We still talk about the Garrets, Browns, Blumes, Shepards and so many others that were as close as family.
I grew up thinking that Fr Chuck Gallager was darn near as important as the Pope! I will never forget the National Convention in LA that us kids got to attend. I think it was theamed “Year of the Family”. My parents loved each other deeply and had an unshakable Faith, and I know ME helped shape that.
Shannon (Cunningham) Greenhaw
Stumbled on to your site and account of your parents encounter. I read it because my daughters experienced a lot of this stuff when growing up. To read it from your point of view has helped me to understand that they were right all along. My unrealistic expectations of them to join in all the lovey attitudes mustve confused them because they had already experienced love within our family. So what was mum going away to all these retreats. It was the Beginning Experience I went to after my marriage broke up for the second time.I tried to join in all the activities, entertaining others life experinces, wheeping and whailing to Bridge Over Troubled Water. Oh yes I did it all. Till the last evening, when viewing how more than cudly some of the priests and team were! my experience fell appart and I thought what have I got myself involved in now. Catholic Woodstock! What a perfect description I can’t stop laughing. Thanks so much for bringing us back to reality. God Bless
I also felt the pain of M.E and the failing marriage of my parents during my early teens. Luckily, despite the effort, it ended up in divorce.
My dad found his current spouse in M.E. so it wasn’t a total waste of time after all, at least someone got laid!
We made our Weekend in ‘76 and it truly changed our lives. It reminded us of why we got married — to be with each other, not against each other.
We were involved in leadership in Philly and were going out to speak to couples in a Church to encourage them to make a weekend. Our 12 yr old dtr was really upset, “you’re going to that ME thing again!”
We sat here down, and said “you knew us before our Weekend, and you know us now. Which way do you like us, — we will become that couple.” She liked us better since our Weekend. “Do other children deserve what you now have?” “Yes.” “Well we are going out to talk to parents so their children can have what you have. You decide, do we stay or go.” “Go” And She never complained about ME again. She and her husband have made a Weekend, as well as one of our sons. We are working on our other daughter and our other son to make a Weekend.
Great story, by you. We have met so many couples as the ones you wrote about. Much success in your writing, and wish us success as we continue to work to invite couples to make a Marriage Encounter Weekend.
I was just laughing with a singing friend of mine this morning. She sang “I love you truly” at a funeral recently. I told her, if it was his choice, he would have, as I told her, “some goofy song about never finding another you” at my Mom’s funeral… And then I found this. Beautiful. Heartfelt. Touching. It’s good to know there are other people in the world tortured as I was in my childhood by parents who loved each other. And I love you, too!
This was such an entertaining look at a throughly wacky situation. You put so much heart into it. Lovely. :)
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